Nissa Darbonne

As at least one unnamed individual’s NFL Fantasy Football dreams were dashed at press time in only Week 10 of the season, a fantasy shale team might produce better results. Here’s a draft line-up for the 2013 season from which to choose.

The Aubrey. This shale is pervasive across the Lower 48, appearing from the Rockies to North Louisiana and Pennsylvania to West Texas. It is a chameleon, gas-prone at times and, lately, liquids-prone. It’s initially inexpensive to enter. It speaks English, Chinese, Norwegian, French, Boone and some Jim Flores.

The Hamm. This North Dakota shale keeps growing, from being one rock eight years ago to three rocks now. An oil-prone elephant, it is fluent in MSNBC.

The Nichols. Gets along well with others, including the Chinese. Appears from Ohio to Western Canada to West Texas. Inexpensive to enter. Frequent fall sightings just north of Tiger Stadium in Baton Rouge. May appear soon in a basin near you. Also known as The Richels.

The Pinkerton. Pervasive in Pennsylvania and highly influential in surface processing and transportation. Gas-prone but increasingly giving up gas liquids. Speaks Sarnian, Mont Belvieu and European Ineos.

The Korell. Found in Arkansas, it gives up gas. Vegas line has it making money at - $1/Mcf. Also can be found in North Louisiana, where it is known as The Mueller.

The Floyd. Region agnostic and highly prolific. Makes Bs—both Bcfs and $Bs. Had an Australian accent for a short while. Extremely investor-philic. Part of the Encap conglomerate. Speaks Wall Street.

The Davidson. Found in northeastern Colorado, this oily producer is trying on a conventional look in northeastern Nevada. Also known as The Chuck.

The Brigham. Also known as The Bud, it made a nice home in the plains of North Dakota, learned Norwegian and is now semi-retired in the hills of Austin, Texas.

The Papa. Anywhere this shale is, it is highly successful and gives up just the kind of hydrocarbons the market is seeking du jour. Price Wright, a dashing and exuberant research analyst for Dewey, Pickem & Howe, says, “Everyone should have some of this shale.”

The Ward. Once part of The Aubrey conglomerate, The Ward has relocated to northern Oklahoma and is now a conventional rock, making liquids with money from the Gulf of Mexico. Willy Nilly, an analyst with Marginal Securities, who plays football like he’s dating a Kardashian, says, “I still just don’t understand the Gulf thing.”

The Sheffield. Pervasive in West Texas and South Texas. Runs with a Wolfpack; flies with an Eagle.

The Walker. This old, conventional-oil play in Ohio suddenly became a new shale play in Ohio. Also known as The Boy Scout.

The Solich. Highly repeatable play in western Oklahoma. BFFs include The Forest and The Apache.

The Tightly Held. Found in Southern California, this rock works only for a handful of long-time producers.

The Expropriated. Situated in Argentina, it once spoke Repsol; now speaks YPF exclusively. Working on additional language skills, particularly ExxonMobil. Notma Nayme, a tightly wound analyst with Robin, Steel & Beatem, says, “This shale has more drama than replacement-refs football.”

The Chinese. This shale has extremely low visibility and its existence remains in doubt.

The Polish. Single shale seeks equipment-rich wildcatter. Once the belle of the European ball, it is currently on a break. Howey Holdem, a usually mild-mannered securities analyst with Upsell & Agyn, says, “The gal would work, if she could just get a freakin’ frac spread.”

The French. Extremely frac-shy rock, it is highly considerate of surface terrain. Likes wine, cheese, raw steak, pastries and confounding hydrocarbon capitalists. Pepe Le Pew, an analyst with Credite Resistance and no relation to French golfer Jean van de Velde, says, “Dees play stink!”

The NYT. No fracing allowed. Found in Agenda County, New York. New York Times writer I.B. Wong, who needs a new story, says, “Just trust me.” Also known as The Josh Fox, who isn’t a frac expert but played one once in a movie.

The Aggie. Mysteriously appears in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. See BCS.

The Boohoo. This is a dry-gas shale.

The Yippee. This is a gas-liquids shale.

The Wahooooo! This is an oil shale.

The Fabulous. This is the next shale.

Have a great 2013 shale-play season!